A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him.
“It’s my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with a hammer.”
“Then why are you crying?” she says.
“Because first I laughed!” he answers.
My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it." After a few minutes I located all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but could not find me.
Finally one of my sons got a bright idea. He went to the phone and dialed; they found me immediately because my phone started ringing.
Child at dinner table: “Dad, is it OK to eat flies?”
Father: “Billy, none of that at dinner table, do you hear me? That’s disgusting!”
Child shrugs and resumes eating. After dinner, father approaches the kid: “OK, I’m happy you have scientific interests. Now what was it you wanted to know about eating flies?”
Child: “Well you had one in your meatloaf, I just wanted to know if you meant to eat it. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
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On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan, and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing thong bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.
When they got up to leave, Ryan watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"
Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy, ‘cause if you don’t pass that test, you can forget that you’re my son!”
The next day Kenny comes home and his dad asks him how he did in the test.
Kenny looks at him and says, “And who are you, dude?”
When I bought my new Lexus Sport Coupe, my two sons asked me who would inherit it if I met my demise. I pondered the question, then told them if I passed away on an even day, the son born on an even day would get it. If it happened on an odd day, the one born on the odd day would get it.
A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons, I was tossed out of the boat. As I floated in the rapids, I heard my son yelling, "It’s the wrong day!"
Raphael runs to his father and starts talking to him urgently, “Dad, dad…”
His father turns to him angrily and says, “I’ve had it with you constantly interrupting me. From now on you’ll speak only when I’ve asked you something!”
Raphael thinks for a second and continues, “OK dad, can you please ask me if you’ve forgotten to put in the handbrake and if your car is now rolling down the road?”
Father: And, how do you like going to school?
Son: Well, the going bit is OK, the coming home bit is fine too, but the time in between kind of ruins it!
Fiona asks her daddy, “Dad, can you write with your eyes closed?”
“I believe I could, child, if I tried.”
“Excellent, do you think you would like to try it on my school report?”
Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your school report, my boy?
Tom: Sorry, I’ll bring it a day later.
Tom: I borrowed it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.
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