Lucas is sitting on a bus 🚌 and eating toffees 🍬 after the other.
An old man 👴 sits down next to him and says: “Eating so many toffees is not healthy for you.”
Lucas replies: “My grandfather died when he was 115 years old.”
The old man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of toffees?”
Lucas answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”😈😆
Jack enters a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a cold beer 🍺 before trouble starts!"
Jack drinks his cold beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a cold beer before trouble starts!"
The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two cold beers,
when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you going to pay for those cold beers?"
Jack replies, "And now, the trouble begins!🤣
Henry asks an old farmer 👨🌾, “Would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?
I am in hurry and I have to catch the 11:30 train.”
The old farmer says, “Why not, go right ahead.
And if my bull 🐂 sees you, you’ll even catch the 11:15 one.”😂
A robber in a mask stopped a man and placed a pistol 🔫 in his back.
"Give me your money".
The man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a politician!"
The robber says, "Oh! Then give me MY money!"
Waiter, I’ve seen your thumb dipping right into my soup 🥣 as you were carrying it over!
Thank you for your kind concern, Ma'am, but it’s OK, the soup is only lukewarm.🤣
Share husband wife jokes with your friends and family members.
9 p.m. I get a message from my girlfriend: Me or PUBG?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.😂
A father brings the child home 🏠 from school 🏫 and asks his wife,
"Jack’s been crying the whole way. Isn’t jack sick or something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Jack."
A Cop 👮 stops a vehicle 🚗 and tells it: "Congratulations sir!"
You're the 10,000th vehicle to cross this bridge.
This means you won $5,000. What are you going to do with this money?"
The driver becomes very emotional and states, "First, I'll finally get my driver's licence!"
His wife responds, "Don’t listen, officer! He’s still drunk!"
The back seat grumbles to a hard-of hearing granny, "I knew we shouldn’t have stolen the car!"
The large bag's voice, “Is border passed?" 🤣
Bus 🚌 Conductor: Why Are Taking Two Tickets 🎫?
Passenger: Because If I Lose One That Second Ticket Will Save Me.
Conductor: What If You Lose Both?
Passenger: Listen, I Am Not A Fool. I Already Have My Pass With Me.!!!😂
Wife says: Wait for me dear, I’m just finishing my make-up.
Husband says: You don’t need make-up, Nora.
Wife says: Oh, Luke…. really? That is so sweet of you!
Husband says: You need plastic surgery.😆
John and Luke discuss their lives.
John says, “I am sick of messy flat, dirty dishes, and dirty clothes 🧺.
Now I am getting married."
Luke says, "Now I am getting divorced for the same reasons." 🤣
Jack says: "Waiter, Could you please bring me some toothpicks?"
Waiter responds: "Sorry sir, but you'll need to wait a bit; they are all currently in use." 🤣
Two Cops 👮 crash their car 🚓 into a electic pole.
After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Amazing, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”😆🤣
Wife: "Just look at that lovely couple. He keeps holding her hand and kissing her,
why can't you do the same?"
Husband: "How can I kiss 💏 her? I barely know her!"😈😆
Alex and Julia are both 70 years old and have been married for 50 years.
One day all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says,
“You’ve been married for so long, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
Julia is beside herself with joy and wishes for a brand new luxury car.
Alex says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime!,
but I wish I had a beautiful wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Alex without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 100 👴.
John buys a lie detector that makes a loud buzzer sound whenever somebody tells a lie.
John’s son comes late home in the evening. John asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Lie Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Sorry I forgot, I was in a cinema.”
Lie Detector: “Beep.”
Son: “Alright, I went to a bar.”
John: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Lie Detector: “Beep.”
John wife laughs: “Well, he really is your son!”
Lie Detector: “Beep.”😈😆
Jack: You had gone for the operation, then why did you run away?
Jill: The nurse 👩⚕️ said there is nothing to be afraid of,
there is only a small operation, and everything will be fine!
Jack: Nurse was right!
Jill: Buddy, she was telling to the doctor.😂
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