A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!"
He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble starts!"
The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?" The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!
A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: “Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies: “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks: “You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?”
The boy answers: “He became so old because he minded his own business.”
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.
Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
Share husband wife jokes with your friends and family members.
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.
Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"
"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
A police officer stops a car and says: “Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge – you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?”
The driver gets very emotional and says, “First of all, I’ll finally make my driver’s license!” The wife cuts in, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s still drunk!”
A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat grumbles, “I knew we shouldn’t have taken the stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk adds, “Hey, are we past the border now?”
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”
“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”
An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’”
Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make children."
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”
Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.
One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”
The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
Poof once more – and he’s 90.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.
The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?”
Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.”
Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.”
Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“
Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!”
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