An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!"
"Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”
A woman is at a doctor after her husband’s check-up.
The doctor looks serious and says, “Mrs Connelly, your husband is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset. I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
“Oh, they’re not for him, Mrs Connelly, they’re for you.”
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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
A wife caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johny, that would be very unfair!”
Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”
Child at dinner table: “Dad, is it OK to eat flies?”
Father: “Billy, none of that at dinner table, do you hear me? That’s disgusting!”
Child shrugs and resumes eating. After dinner, father approaches the kid: “OK, I’m happy you have scientific interests. Now what was it you wanted to know about eating flies?”
Child: “Well you had one in your meatloaf, I just wanted to know if you meant to eat it. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.”
A man goes to a dog shelter and asks: “Do you have a loyal dog?”
The caretaker points: “Take that one.”
The man says: “And is he really loyal?”
The caretaker nods: “Absolutely. I already sold him 6 times and he always comes back.”
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A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.
“Yes, just like you said, doc.”
“And is the bronchitis gone now?”
“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”
Three men are riding on just one motorcycle. They pass a police patrol.
The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!”
But they just continue driving past.
The last man turns around and yells: “Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”
A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”
“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.
Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
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