A wife hangs up after about an hour on the mobile phone.
The husband says, "Great, that was fast - normally you ladies are at it for two to three hours at least!"
Wife replies: "Yeah, well, it was a wrong call."
A bank robber takes all the money, and is about to leave. But, before he leaves, he asks a man lying on the ground, "Have I robbed this bank?"
The man responds, "Yes sir", and gets promptly shot.
The robber questions another man “Have I robbed this bank?”
Man replies, “No, but my wife here saw everything!”
Husband and wife got to a disco. There is a man on the dance floor dancing like head spins, break dance, and the works.
The wife looks at her husband and says, "You see that guy?" He asked me 15 years ago to marry him, and I refused.
Husband: "Yes, that's why he's still celebrating yet!"
The doctor says, “Mr Robert is very sick. He needs to rest and not get upset.
I will prescribe you some sleeping pills.”
Mrs Robert replies: “Okay Doctor, and how often should he take those?”
The doctor says, “Oh, they are not for Mr Robert, they are for you.”
A husband sits in a bar and cries. The bartender comes and asks what happened, Sir.
Husband replies: “My wife told me that she would not talk to me for 2 months.”
The bartender replies, “Very sad!”
Man: “Yes! Today those months are over.”
A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”
“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
Husband: If I died, would you marry again?
Wife: Oh Sweetheart, of course not. I’d live with my sister. And if I died, would you marry again?
Husband: No, I think I’d live with your sister too.
Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
Wife: Honey, Today was very hard day.
Can you say me the three magical words that always make me so pleased?
Husband: You are right.
Wife: Very funny, no, the other ones.
Husband: I was wrong.
A little girl asks to her mother at a wedding, “Mother, why is bride dressed all in white?”
Her mother answers, “Bride is in white because she is happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The girl nods and then says, “All right, and why is groom all in black?”
A stranger comes to Mr Alex and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”
Mr Alex apologizes and says, “Now you want compensation for this, won’t you?”
Stranger Says, “Absolutely not but I want to borrow your dog.”
Husband: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often.
How are you able to keep so calm despite my bad moods?”
Wife: “I always clean the toilet whenever it happens.”
Husband: “And that works?”
Wife: “Yes, I use your toothbrush”
A mother suspects that something is wrong and decides to do a DNA test.
She discovers that her child is not related to either her husband or her.
Wife: "Darling there's something really significant that we need to discuss.
Alex is not our biological child, according to a DNA test."
Husband: "Of course he is not, don't remember?
As we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped hugely.
You told me to go change him, and I would wait."
One morning, newlyweds awaken on their honeymoon and
husband suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: “But that's your job, honey."
"It's all in the Bible, dearest.
“The Bible doesn't say anything about who is supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews..."
Arguing with the wife is like trying to read the License Agreement on the internet.
You end up saying "I Agree" and giving up.
The doctor put a thermometer in the woman's mouth and asked her to keep her mouth shut for some time.
Seeing the wife silent, the husband asked: Doctor, how much does this magical thing cost?
Husband – I am about to fire the driver.
I was saved from death seven times in his mistakes.
Wife - Give him one more chance, don't you!!
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